Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Which one is Zac Efron?

So let's just get this shit right out in the open. Last night I went and saw the new Twilight movie. I know, I know, I'm a big pussy, yada, yada. Fuck It. I had a good reason for seeing it, but I'm not going to explain it or make excuses. I'm a thirty-goddamned-year-old man. I can do whatever the fuck I want to and I will.

That being said, this was one of the worst fucking things I have ever seen on the silver screen. I'm talking Weekend at Bernie's 2 bad. Little Monsters bad. It was like Saved by the Bell and 90210 had a baby and only let it listen to Bauhaus. Jesus, it was dumb. The whole movie, from what I could tell, was about whether the Jennifer Love-Hewitt-looking chick would decide to go steady with A.C. Slater or Zak Morris (Kelly choosing between Brandon an Dylan?). Here's the crazy twist, though. Instead of a wrestler, Slater is a huge dog. And instead of a Smart-aleky dreamboat, Zak is undead and made out of porcelain. God, what a clusterfuck, right?

But it gets better. The chick from the Sixth Sense (also the 11 year old chick who gets raped in a movie about Elvis (Presley, not Costello)) plays the leader of a group of D&D kids who like killing baby vampires. How is this shit so popular? There's not even any sex, or tits, of even blood. Because porcelain doesn't bleed, it just breaks, like a toilet bowl on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine.

Did I mention that for such a hugely popular movie, the CGI, camera work, and acting were all atrocious? It takes place by Seattle and doesn't even have a Tad song in the soundtrack. I don't know. Obvious lost cross-promotional opportunity? Have Vampire Weekend do the soundtrack and score. I haven't heard that band, but I know all the trendy hipster art-fags seem to like 'em a lot. So there you go.

Ok. I guess that's enough about that. Hmmm, what else? Rehearsals for the 70s tribute show at Billy's on July 15 went well tonight. It should be a lot of fun. Robert Plant has a really high voice, but I think I just need to get tighter jeans and everything will work out. I have been playing the shit out of my guitar lately and it feels good. Work is relentless, but who the fuck else cares about that? With all this cinematic whimsy about, who has time to worry about responsibility? Not me. I do what I want. I want to BLOG apparently. Some things in my life make me incredibly happy right now and I will not be brought down by the things that don't. I will smash adversity like a ceramic blood sucker!

Well, fuck me. I did get something out of that movie after all.


--A. C. Rossell

( no relation to A. C. Slater)


  1. first comment first comment!
    freaking nailed it dude. thanks for ruining the movie for me so i don't have to see it. no really..thank you. its like you jumped in front of a bus and pushed me out of the way. you sacrificed yourself for the mental well being of others. kuddos mr. rossell...kuddos.

  2. Gordon and I just watched the second movie from that series the other night and it was so very dull. You would think that with each movie their acting would improve but I suppose it's difficult with the horrendous dialogue they are given.
    The author of the books everyone is so geeky about is mormon so that is why you don't get any tits. It's a classic tale of tragic romance and will not be cheapened with gratuitous nudity! Perhaps that's why the vampires sparkle rather than burn. And no fangs? That woman is fucking with vampire myth. You should check out her website because it's ridiculous. http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/bio.html