Hey all. It's been a long time. I haven't been writing on this thing lately. But that doesn't mean I don't have a shit load of things on my mind. for starters, there's this shit at my work called RevX. It's some sort of bullshit oil additive that guarantees improved horsepower and torque just by adding a few ounce of it to you motor oil. Now granted, there is no documented proof of this, nor is there any evidence that anybody has ever used it. I like the idea of this product because it's manufactured right in Grand Rapids, MI, but I know your thinking the same thing as me; this is a bunch of snake-oil-bullshit. Oh and did I forget to mention it costs $38 for 4 oz.?
Well due to the lack of real stats on the performance or RevX on the internet, my associate Josh and I did a little of our own research. As you are about to read, the results were nothing short of spectacular.
Our first test was adding 2oz to a Toro 6.5 horsepower lawnmower. Within seconds of firing it up, the machine began mowing the lawn completely on it's own. We just sat back and watched the show. Needless to say, we were blown away. So we decided to add 4 ounces to the oil in a four-wheeler. Goddamn if right before our eyes, that Yamaha four-wheeler didn't instantly transform in to a five-wheeler! What, you may ask, is the advantage of five versus four wheels? Don't be a retard. It's obviously one better. 25% increase in wheel-having? Do the math, Einstein.
So we realized we needed to step up this experiment considerably. I had three 4oz. bottles of RevX left, so we picked up a Lamborghini Countach down at the Lamborghini store and poured the rest of our stash into the engine oil. Josh was navigating, and had to get home to Muskegon to put his roommates to bed, so he directed me to head down I-96 West. I'll tell you what, we weren't on the road long before we realized we had actually left the road and we were fucking flying! Josh was all like, "I wish surfer dude could see me now! She'd flip her lid, man!" I was just trying to reach my Joe Satriani cd to listen to on our way to the moon.
About fourteen minutes later we arrived at the moon and parked near the Sea of Tranquility to gather our thoughts and figure out a game plan of what to do next. I looked over at Josh only to see him with a big old shit-eating grin on his face. I was all like, "What the fuck are you grinnin' at, dude?" Then he reached into the pocket of his windbreaker and pulled out---you guessed it--one last bottle of REVX!!!
We dumped that shit in and took off and you won't even believe where we went next. We actually flew up to the moon's moon. The MOON'S MOON! The fuckin' Moon has a fuckin' moon! I always knew that moon was a sneaky cocksucker.
So RevX is totally the dope shit. Come out and buy some from me. $38 for four ounces. 16 ounces will get you to the Moon's moon, as long as you've got a Countach. Maybe I'll let you borrow mine, for a price. I accept handjobs and Springsteen bootlegs, mainly, but everything's negotiable.